I haven't updated this blog since August. I'm a little mad at myself for not keeping up, but I have given updates on Facebook, so I at least have that.
It has been 8 months since I was diagnosed with GBS. I've learned a lot about my body in those 8 months, but I still feel like I can't trust my own legs. Because GBS is so rare and effects everyone so differently, the doctors told me they didn't really know what to expect my healing time to be, but to expect at least a year. So, in my head, I would be back to Ashley in one year. We are 4 months away from the one year mark and it scares me a little that I'm not closer to be back to "normal." I've come a long way, but I never know what to expect day to day.
I challenged my friends and family to walk/run a mile on Rare Disease Day. I also challenged myself. It was a big deal to venture out and walk constantly for one mile. I was afraid I would fall, I was afraid my legs would give out, I was afraid that even if I completed it I would be hurting afterwards. It was an incredible feeling to finish that mile with my boys by my side. I had sore ankles and my feet were tingly, but it wasn't too bad. The pics of my friends, family, old classmates made my heart smile. It feels great to know I'm not doing this alone!
After I walked the mile, I thought a lot about what things felt like 8 months ago. I get teary eyed just thinking about how helpless I was. I couldn't even get in my wheel chair alone at first. I was surrounded by so many people loving me and encouraging me, but I still felt very alone because I knew no one fully understood what was going on. I didn't even know myself. I looked in the mirror sometimes and wondered how in the world my body deteriorated so quickly. Muscles that were there just a few weeks ago had disappeared. I couldn't even get a snack or a drink without having to ask someone to help me. I couldn't bathe unless someone was home to help me in case I fell or couldn't get out of the bath. I felt so helpless.
Fast forward 8 months. I walked a freaking mile unassisted! My legs look more like normal legs instead of chicken legs. I can drive, go to soccer practice, go up and down stairs! When fear starts sneaking in, I realize how far I've come and refuse to be afraid. I might fall down in public...I haven't yet, but I literally have nightmares about it! I came close this week when a kid kicked a soccer ball at me during practice. I would have been pretty embarrassed. But, I can live in fear and stay home, or I can suck it up and do a lot of the things I did prior to GBS and chance a fall that will more than likely be seriously funny story a couple days later!
I'm going to continue to challenge myself. I don't know what my body is capable of until I try. It's overwhelming trying to decide if I can do something or not. It is like living in someone else's body! But, I won't know until I try. Maybe 2 miles will be next on my list...my boys think I should try running instead of walking, but I do know that I am a ways from that happening! My legs feel like they have 30 lbs weights on them, so I will stick to walking for now!
When that one year mark comes it is going to be a day of celebration! I don't know yet how I will celebrate, but you better believe I will, and I want my body to be ready for some fun on that day!!
A HUGE shout out to my peeps that finished a mile for me! I'm surrounded by too many awesome people rooting for me to stop now....I'm going to keep pushing and enjoying every moment of life, and one day I'm going to look back and say I kicked GBS in the face!!
